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[personal profile] talvin
@Braillesnail said, "There should be an online tutorial on how best to remove an iPad from under a dog..."

I have some experience with Technical Writing, and I have spent 16 years living with a Blind woman. I have also lived with various sizes and breeds of dog. So, I am going to give this a shot.

"How Best To Remove An iPad From Under A Dog. (For Blind People)."

SAFETY WARNING.

This tutorial assumes you are dealing with a dog with whom you have already established a relationship, where the dog is not known to be hostile or aggressive. If you are dealing with an unknown or dangerous animal, STOP! Contact the owner/handler of the dog to retrieve your iPad. If this is not feasible, contact Animal Control and seek their assistance. Under no circumstances should you attempt to retrieve an iPad from under an animal that may well rip your face off.

Of course, if you are trying to get someone else's iPad out from under their dog, go right ahead. You deserve what you get, you thief!

You are acting lawfully and safely, retrieving your own iPad from under your own dog. Let's look at some options.

1) SMALL DOG.
Consider carefully the breed of dog. If this is a lapdog, just pick up the pooch with one hand, retrieve the iPad with the other, and then either set the dog down or put the dog in your lap while you use the iPad (if feasible). If the dog requires two hands to lift, proceed as above, but put the dog down before picking up the iPad. Caution! Some small dogs (Chihuahuas most notoriously) will pee all over you when picked up. Rain-gear is recommended for these situations.

2) OBEDIENCE TRAINED.
If your dog has been well-trained, you may be able to just order the dog to move. Expect some whining and grumbling, but the dog should move. The iPad is yours again.

3) WALK THE DOG.
If the weather is nice, and you won't disrupt your routine or the dog's by doing so, get out the leash or harness and invite the dog to go for a walk with you. Once the dog is under control, you should be able to retrieve the iPad easily.

4) BELLY-WUBBINS! (SPECIAL TECHNIQUE)
Examine the position of the dog carefully. If the dog were to roll over on his/her back with all four feet in the air, would the iPad be uncovered? If so, proceed to offer the dog some "belly-wubbins!" with one hand, while keeping a firm grip on the iPad with the other. When the dog rolls over, whisk away the iPad, continue rubbing the belly for a minute longer just to keep the dog off their guard, then walk away and play on the Internet while your dog feels neglected.

5) TREATS AND TOYS
This should be used only as a last resort. Dogs are not stupid: the dog is not sitting on your iPad by chance, but because he sits there watching you pet it all day while he gets nothing. If you overuse this technique, the dog will quickly learn that gratification can be achieved by parking the tail upon the iPad. On the other hand, this does offer an advantage to Blind iPad/Dog owners. "Where did I leave my iPad? Oh, wait, it's probably under the dog."
If you absolutely, positively must have your iPad before the call of nature compels the dog to move, and other techniques have been tried unsucessfully, get the dog's favorite treat or squeaky toy. Wave it under the dog's nose (not too close!), and then give a swift, sharp toss of the item across the room. The dog will lunge after it. Move quickly! You must have the iPad in your hands before the dog can return, or you will find yourself trying to figure out how to get both the squeaky toy and the iPad away from the dog!

Congratulations! By now, you should have successfully removed your iPad from under the dog. If you are only a dog owner, you are done. If you own multiple species of pet, your problems are just beginning: the iPad having been vacated by the dog, there is probably now a Cat sitting upon it.

We recommend that you not attempt to remove your iPad from under the Cat without qualified assistance. If you have AppleCare for your iPad, you can call and receive assistance from Tech Support over the phone: they can talk you through the 127 steps required to get the Cat off the iPad. If you do not have AppleCare, or if you feel you cannot accomplish the task with over-the-phone coaching, please pick up the iPad, with the Cat still on it, and take it to the nearest Apple Store, where someone at the Genius Bar will be able to assist you.

Have a nice day!
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June 2014

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